Registry office, celebrant-led ceremony or both
Legally, there is no longer a difference. Since 1 October 2017, same-sex couples have been able to marry in Germany, and your registry office ceremony follows the same process as everyone else’s. You can also have a registered civil partnership converted into a marriage there.
Most queer couples choose a registry office wedding, sometimes followed by a celebrant-led ceremony. Often the legal ceremony stays small and private, while you celebrate the personal ceremony with all your guests. The registry office takes care of the formalities; a celebrant-led ceremony tells your story.
How you arrive at the ceremony
Walking in one after the other works well. Whether your mother, father, both parents or your favourite person accompanies you is entirely up to you. Walking in together works just as well, with neither of you waiting at the front.
Decide beforehand who arrives first and where the other person waits. Then your celebrant and I know what will happen, and nobody has to improvise at the front.
Getting ready together or meeting at a first look
You can get ready together or stay apart until a first look. The idea that you must never see each other beforehand comes from a wedding tradition that many queer couples do not feel connected to anyway.
A first look gives you a few minutes together before your guests arrive. You can stand back to back and turn around at the same time, or one of you can wait while the other approaches.
If you prefer getting ready together, that creates its own moments: helping with a dress, pinning a veil or quickly adjusting a lapel.
You can read about how a first look works and how much time to allow in my article about the first look.
Coordinating outfits without seeing each other beforehand
Two dresses, two suits or a dress and a suit: discuss colours, even if you do not want to see each other before the ceremony. You will stand next to each other in almost every photograph, so clashing colours are immediately noticeable.
You do not need to show each other your outfits. Coordinating colours and fabrics is enough, perhaps through someone you both trust. If your outfits are very different, small details in the same colour can connect them, such as bouquets or hair accessories. Think about what your closest people will wear, too.
Traditions that suit you
Many wedding traditions date back to a time when two women or two men could not marry at all. A father handing the bride over to the groom, the garter, the bouquet for the next bride. Look at each tradition and ask yourselves whether you like the idea behind it and whether it suits you.
Some traditions are easy to adapt. You can throw the bouquet together or keep it, cut the cake together, and decide who leads your first dance or whether anyone leads at all.
Nobody will miss what you leave out. Tell me beforehand which moments you have planned so I know where to be and when.
Your family, including your chosen family
For many queer couples, family means more than relatives. The friends who have always been there belong in the group photographs just as much as parents and siblings. Send me a list beforehand of everyone who must be in a photograph with you, so nobody is left out.
Also tell me who you would rather not bring together for a photograph. You do not have to explain why.
A lovely idea for the evening is a large print of your family photograph for all your guests to sign. That gives you a picture for your wall the very next day.
Suppliers you feel comfortable with
You should feel comfortable with your venue, celebrant and photographer from the start. Look at the language on their websites: do they always say bride and groom, or do they talk about couples? Do they show queer couples? And simply ask in your first conversation whether they have worked at queer weddings before.
At your venue, consider what matters to your guests, too: are there toilets everyone can use easily? Does the team use your guests’ correct names and pronouns? This makes a big difference, especially for trans and nonbinary guests.
The same applies to invitations, menus and your schedule. Use your names instead of bride and groom, and your stationery need not assign anyone a role.
With me, you do not have to explain anything; I am a lesbian myself. You can read more on my page about lesbian and queer weddings.
The music: choosing your DJ
There is one supplier I would look at especially closely: your DJ. The queer community has its own music, songs everyone sings along to on the dance floor because they carry so many shared experiences. Someone who knows that music and senses the right moment will get your people dancing.
Live music during the drinks reception also adds a lot. What matters is that the music suits you and your people.
Or just the two of you
Not every wedding needs a big celebration. With an elopement, you marry as a couple or with a handful of people, without a schedule or programme. Hugging in front of one person can feel easier than in front of eighty, and that shows in the photographs.
You can read how I photograph a wedding for two on my page about elopements. My wedding story from Ærø.
What makes the difference
From the outside, a queer wedding is not so different from any other. The small things make the difference: music that connects everyone, experiences many of your guests share, and gratitude for all the queer people before us who fought for our rights. Nobody can see that from the outside, but you can feel it throughout the day.
I am happy to be part of this community, and that is what I want to share with you. If you are planning your lesbian, gay or queer wedding, tell me about it. I photograph weddings throughout Germany and feel at home near Karlsruhe and in Munich .
Keep planning
I plan every wedding day together with the couple. The examples on this website are suggestions. We can rearrange parts, leave things out and add other moments.